


do gods cry

by thegreatmoon



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Comfort/Angst, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, a little bit?, happy bday mia ily, not too much tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 18:36:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19932658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatmoon/pseuds/thegreatmoon
Summary: “i’m crying and we’ve barely met.”“what is the problem with crying?”“everything. it scares people away.”“do I look scared to you?”;jungwoo can't stop crying and taeil doesn't think he should





	do gods cry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soshiwendy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soshiwendy/gifts).



> heyoooo! i've been promising this wooil one shot for CENTURIES and here it is!!! big thanks for my aways helpful amazing sarah ): 
> 
> tw for crying and anxiety, okay? stay safe uwu
> 
> this fic has a playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6MXhWObgBkWdueb4a9iCyL?si=fLz6zyJ8RAaVdiF2zdd6iw)
> 
> and it's a two part series so pls comment so i feel better about posting the other part soon!!
> 
> this fic is dedicated to my wonderful mia !! in two weeks it'll be official we have known each other for a year but i feel like you've become my friend this year and i honestly love you so so so much, never doubt that. i hope you like this 
> 
> xx  
> sol

Jungwoo’s aunt used to say his tears were as precious as pearls. It was alright to shed them; the world was always in need of more pearls.

“Seeing someone show their emotions so intensely shouldn’t be considered wrong, my little Zeus. It’s okay to cry.”

She was the only one who didn’t dismiss him when he started crying, as his mother would often, muttering, “Crying once again.” Nor was his aunt like his father, who always saw Jungwoo’s tears as a manipulative tactic for getting what he wanted (“fucking spoiled brat”). His aunt was an angel. The minute she saw Jungwoo’s eyes getting teary, she would caress his hair and engulf him in her arms, as he sunk his head on her shoulder and drowned her button shirt in tears. She understood that he wouldn’t be able to properly formulate the reason why he was crying in that moment, so she would just gently shush him until he was calm enough to be able to breathe again.

Jungwoo never understood how she could be so considerate about his tears, when the rest of the world wasn’t. His classmates constantly picked on him for crying (“what is it now? going to cry again?”), the teachers clearly panicked with a slight sight of tear on Jungwoo’s face and his friends were always very cold towards it, not even hugging him when Jungwoo started having his crisis. His, for lack of a better term, “colleagues” would watch him cry and completely ignore him, saying he cried so much that they couldn’t care less anymore. He wished that there were more people like his aunt in the world. She would hug him, caress his hair, listen to what had worried him and offer him advice, calmly and with a kind smile on her lips. Never was he patronized, perhaps softly laughed at, with a sweet dose of humor, but it was always something that lifted Jungwoo’s pain from his chest and gave him company. His aunt taught him that tears and laughs weren’t opposites and it was very common to have them mixed up together.

Perhaps that was why, when he heard his aunt was moving to Spain to finally teach the Simultaneous Theory to people who would actually listen to her, Jungwoo cried so much and for so many days, he couldn’t think it was possible for his body to still be hydrated. When his aunt finally saw him, a few days after Jungwoo’s mother very rudely told him the news, his eyes were puffy red, face pale, his hair a mess and his lips had bruises from how much he had bitten them. She smiled and cracked a small joke: “Cry me a river, huh.”

Jungwoo tried laughing, like he always did, but his laugh turned into an ugly bark and that bark turned into a hiccup and he started tearing up on his aunt’s front door. He felt conflict arising and this time, not even his aunt could make it better with sweet words. He had to let her go. It had always been a personal dream of her to pursue an overseas doctorate in her field and now she got it. She could finally work with what she always wanted in the land she always dreamed of visiting. She never had any children so they wouldn’t stop her professional life, neither a husband, even if many affairs had come and gone. Work and studies came first. Jungwoo always admired that about her. He admired it so much he had modeled himself the same way. Nonetheless, he couldn’t at that moment impose himself as her son. He didn’t want to cry. He had made that decision earlier, before catching the bus to her house. More than her house, that was his home.

Although the many promises to himself and repeated phrases to the mirror (“This time you are not going to cry. She needs your support. You are not going to cry.”), he couldn’t help breaking down with the sight of her looking like any other day, with her long dark hair moving with the breeze, a warm cup of tea in her hands, dressed in her usual formal clothes. Say what you want about Jungwoo’s aunt, she was a woman of style and class. It was such an uneventful sight and Jungwoo couldn’t stop thinking how many more times he would have the pleasure of being greeted like that. He took a deep breath. He could do it. She was there for many times he was on the verge of tears, she would be there too that time, but he wouldn’t wet one centimeter of her light blue shirt if it was up to him. He could not. Then she smiled and made that terrible joke, like she always did, and that was all it took. He jumped on her, almost dropping the hot tea on the house’s entrance, and hiccupped furiously against her shoulder. If he had completely let go of himself, he would have begged her not to go, not to leave him with all those maniacs. That was a line he had sworn not to cross. He wouldn’t ask Miok to stay even in his most desperate of times. She had a sweet smile on her face, while patting his head. You’d think their height difference would make it harder for Jungwoo to lean over her shoulder, but when tears were all he could see, it didn’t matter.

“Oh, Zeus… What are we going to do about you?”

He tried answering but his voice was muffled by her shirt and he didn’t want to look her in the eyes, so he stayed there. His aunt gently hugged him, holding him tight against herself. He was her little Zeus, she would take care of him. He finally unattached himself partly from her body and she put her arm around him, caressing his shoulders. With small steps, they both moved towards the living room, settling on the couch. She gave him her tea and observed as Jungwoo tried drinking the hot beverage. He drank its entire content although he wasn’t thirsty. He couldn’t think how many more times he’d have the chance to drink the same rose tea and that made him crave the drink.

Miok bit her lip, lost in thought. Her hands lazily played with Jungwoo’s hair. She knew how much physical affection lacked in his life and how much he needed it, especially in those times of crisis. At that moment, she wasn’t even thinking of what she was doing. Playing with her nephew’s hair had become a sort of natural habit for her. It was as reassuring for her as it was for Jungwoo, as it gave her a feeling that his suffering would end soon. Perhaps, this time, there would be no need for suffering at all. If this pain was caused by no one but herself, maybe it could be avoided.

“I could take you with me, you know?” Her suggestion slipped swiftly from her lips. Jungwoo took his eyes from his empty teacup. He had thought he had seen an everyday-Miok before, but getting to see more closely, she looked pale. Her long black hair wasn’t brushed and she could use some sleeping. She was as lost as he was. That could have scared Jungwoo, had he not found it more endearing. He was never alone when she was next to him.

“I have college…” He mumbled back.

“You could study there.”

“I know nothing of foreign language.” Jungwoo pointed out, a shy smile growing on his lips. He knew what his aunt was about to reply. Miok was fluent in no less than five languages, a genius indeed. Besides that, she was praised worldwide for her theory and didactics. Jungwoo should have seen that coming soon, he had thought of it before if he was being honest, but in the end he always brushed the thought away and paid no mind to it.

“An absurd if you ask me. But you were always one to prefer reading in Korean...” She sighed, defeated. Jungwoo felt like he was slowly dragging her to the horrible void in his soul. He loathed himself for doing that with the cheerful Miok, but he always ended up doing it anyway. She let herself be affected by his emotions and he was too selfish to refrain himself in front of her.

Both of them stood in silence, in the large living room. Jungwoo loved his aunt’s house, it was exactly what he would put under the definition of home, decorated with warm dark colors and wooden furniture, he felt enveloped by an aura of safety. It was as if Miok had enlarged her energy to fit around the whole house. He had even described it as the house as the personification of a womb, it kept him safe from the real world, to which his aunt laughed fondly at. It was much different than Jungwoo’s actual house, with modern decorations and cool electric colors. There was not much furniture and his mother kept the decorations as minimalistic as possible. He felt like he was sleeping in a hotel every time he went back there. How would he possibly live without his safe space? Perhaps he could ask Miok to leave the house for him, but that would be impossible. She would need money to get started in Spain and Jungwoo had no income to afford living expenses. All Jungwoo could have left from his aunt were a couple gifts and pictures. She would leave and with that, her energy would be gone too. That house would no longer be a home.

Her loud sigh broke the silence. “What are we going to do, little Zeus?”

“I have to answer your questions now?” Her presence and words had already calmed him enough for Jungwoo’s tears to halt for a moment, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could discuss the subject without them coming back to his eyes. Crying was awfully tiring. Jungwoo always felt as if part of his soul left his body, taking all his energy with it. He turned into a hollow shell, too wasted and too empty, after taking the pearl inside of himself in the form of tears.

“You have matured, I guess you could give a try.” Miok insisted lightly. Those times proved to Jungwoo she wasn’t all about soft love. His aunt would instigate him to a certain point, so he wouldn’t hide behind his sadness.

He chuckled sadly, eyes stuck on the fluffy carpet on the floor. He remembered playing all sorts of board games while sitting on that carpet when he was younger. He used to lie on it when he was too tired to even get to the sofa. Miok would scold him, saying it was dirty and full of dust, but in the end, she also laid down next to him and they both stared at the ceiling, next to each other. “When does it start?”

“Next semester.” She informed and Jugwoo breathed out loud in relief. They still had some time left.

“So, we have four months.” He stated, looking now at the big painting on the wall.

“Yes.” She agreed, also staring at it. There was some sort of spell that wouldn’t allow them to look at each other, as if they were too afraid of what that would lead to. Jungwoo was never as scared to look at his aunt as he was at that moment. He had been scared before. For example, when he broke her favorite vase when playing soccer inside the house or when she had seen him smoke weed for the first (and last) time. Those times, Miok looked at him attentively, waiting for any sort of answer or explanation Jungwoo could give her. She would make him stand for his wrongdoings but also listen to whatever he had to say. Differently this time, she expected no answer. She was lost. There was no way out. They were stuck with four months and had nothing to say to make it better. Four months before she would leave to teach on the other side of the world for God knows how long. She would be alone, starting a new life from scratch. Perhaps, Jungwoo should have been offering answers to her without the need of any questions being made. Their relationship was mutual, she was his safe keeper as he was hers.

“Let’s spend them together. Enjoy our most. I’ll come visit you there in the summer.”

“But-“

He interrupted her. Knowing Miok, she would probably suggest not taking the job offer and that wasn’t an option. “We will figure things out on the way, Mimi. Pretty sure my psychoanalyst sessions are worth something.”

Her eyes suddenly brightened with the new perspectives, as she looked at Jungwoo with a smile curling on her lips. “You should move in here.” Jungwoo looked back at her astounded. That was his dream. He had always suggested moving in with Miok, insistently even, especially while in middle school when his mother had her biggest crisis period yet. He had begged her crying if he could move in with her, not knowing what awful position he was putting her in, pitting her against her own sister. She would take him in eventually for some days or even a week when her sister was at her worst. Things eventually calmed down, but Jungwoo kept spending some days at Miok, even going so far as to spend his entire summer vacation with her traveling around Europe. After that, moving in had become sort of a game between them at some point. They would meet, casually talk and Jungwoo would slip in the question if he could move in with her, to be shot down constantly. There were few times that he did it so well, she didn’t even notice it and had, unwillingly agreed to him moving in. Jungwoo even tried making bets to see if at least he would get to the house of his dreams by board games or soccer game results. Miok wouldn’t bend on the subject no matter how much he tried. All it took however was a limited time for them for Jungwoo’s dream to finally come true.

Miok mistook her nephew’s lack of words for apprehension and her sweet smile started to fade away as her eyes traveled frantically around the room. “Perhaps I’m being selfish… It’ll be harder for you to let go after…”

Jungwoo took her by the hand, as a way to keep her from those thoughts. Her thin hands were unusually cold and sweaty. Maybe he would have to take care of her that time around. “I’d hate to think I would waste my last months with my favorite person in the world because I was afraid of getting hurt. It’s already bound to happen. You spoiled me, gotta tell you that.”

Miok giggled, the brightness coming back to her eyes. “The world was too mean to you and you accept bare minimum as the best.”

Her nephew tilted his head, holding her hands tighter. “Not in a million simultaneous realities are you bare minimum.”

“Then it’s settled? You’re moving in for the semester?” Her expression was filled with hope, all apparent fear gone. She needed someone there to go through this and Jungwoo would be that person, just like she was to him many times before.

“I’m packing tomorrow.”

➳➳➳  
  


Jungwoo dialed Miok’s number, looking around his room to make sure all the important belongings were in the boxes. His bedroom had never quite looked as empty, even if his mother had tried her best at keeping it minimalistic. Jungwoo was not messy, but he didn’t mind leaving his fingerprints wherever he was stationed and so the room would usually have a few screenplays around it, as well as a big poster of the movie Anna Karenina. At that moment, only the poster brought some color to the bedroom, as his needed books were packed and the color pattern was light blue. Jungwoo had hated that remodeling ever since it had happened, when he was twelve. He had much rather stay at his childhood bedroom, with colorful monsters painted on his wall. He didn’t have any say when the remodeled started. He did have a say at his bedroom on his aunt’s house. He smiled fondly while listening to the beep of dial. Miok picked up the phone quickly and he informed her it was all settled.

“You do? You are quick.” She exclaimed through the phone, excitement pouring out of her voice.

“Not much to pack, only four months.” Jungwoo replied, looking around. In the end, he would just take clothes, a few books for college and his laptop. His room in Miok’s house (which she insisted to call the guest room, even though it was filled of gifts she gave Jungwoo and his personal belongings, just so she wouldn’t infuriate her sister) was already furnished, so there was no need to move any furniture. If it was up to Jungwoo, his moving in would have happened a long time ago…

“The best four months.” Miok added, voice sweet as honey. After they had agreed on spending those four months together, her mood had drastically changed. She had started planning what they would do together, which places in Seoul she wished to visit before she had to leave and it got to the point, she started planning what were they going to have for dinner in the weeks to come. ‘The best four months’ had quickly become her motto, as she would randomly gush it out in the middle of planning. Jungwoo would giggle along, excited Mimi had a new project to focus on, even if so called project was himself. “My student can help you with the boxes. He has a car.”

“Y-your student?” There was a clear insinuation on his voice, and his aunt gasped on the other side of the line.

“Oh my god, Zeus, what do you take me for? I’m advising him on his masters on Relativity Methodology.”

“Oh right. He must be special, you barely advise anyone.”

Miok sighed and Jungwoo could see her nodding her head in defeat, while sitting at the house’s couch. He had often seen her do the same thing when gossiping with her old high school friends. He hated he knew her so well. What would he do with that much useless information when she was gone? “Students prefer older professors, they have more… prestige and influence. The Academy also doesn’t appreciate my methodology and analysis. Very few students go looking for me.”

Jungwoo knew that already. He had heard Miok’s complaints about the elitism and exclusion of the faculty several times. Professors would disregard her entire research due to her more didactical approach in her articles, they ignored her in the hallways or voting sessions that took place regarding the University’s program and they would outrightly bash on her work and teaching technique in front of their students. It was all done between giggles and behind closed doors, but it all somehow reached Miok’s ears and she was slowly getting more discouraged by her job, even if she knew defiant people were needed in places of power and knowledge.

Jungwoo knew the University would never appreciate Kim Miok as she should be appreciated. At least her talents would be of some use somewhere, even if on the other side of the world. “But he did.”

“As you said, he’s special.” She replied, cheerfulness coming back to her voice. “He is at my house quite often to discuss his research, as well as our joint research, so I guess you should get used to him.”

Jungwoo was excited to be a part of Miok’s daily routine, so he’d take what he could get. Many times he was rushed outside of her house with the excuses she had to have meetings with her students and he couldn’t stay. Again, he tried insisting, saying he would be quiet and on his bedroom, but Miok wouldn’t have any of it, saying there was no such thing as his bedroom (“it’s the guest bedroom, Zeus!”) and that she had no idea when the meeting could possibly end. “What’s his name?”

“Moon Taeil. He is going by your house at five, if there’s no problem.”

Jungwoo hopped on his bed, finding space for his body between books and boxes. There was still much time till he met the special Moon Taeil. “No problem at all.”

➳➳➳

He was lazily reading a play he had found among the mess of books on the floor. It was Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman”, a classic and one of the first works he had read from the author. Miok had given it to him the minute she noticed Jungwoo’s interest in theater. As always, she had a sixth sense about her nephew that never failed.

She had gotten him in his first play, when he was only 5. It was the Wizard of Oz and Jungwoo can’t quite recall it, but he has seen pictures and Miok recounts his eyes sparkled when watching it. She took him to watch different plays ever since and only made her nephew fall harder for theater, to the point soon enough he was the one inviting her and getting the tickets.

He was very much taken by the dialogue he was reading, so when the bell rang, Jungwoo nearly dropped the book on the floor. He looked over at the clock. It was 5 p.m.

He ran down the stairs, only his steps to be heard in the empty house. His father was still at work, probably at night shift this time. His mother had taken off the minute Jungwoo informed he’d be living with his aunt. She was always someone for dramatic behavior. Jungwoo didn’t mind, at least it left the house for himself to get things ready. In the long run, it just left him feeling lonely in that empty house, his father always working, his mother always with something better to do. He wished they’d have a pet, but God forbid a pet ruin Mrs. Kim modern furniture. It was better for Jungwoo to move out and get himself a pet someday.

He stopped running before he would crash against the door and rapidly opened it. In his front lawn stood a very young man on his back. He turned around when he heard Jungwoo open the door and the blue haired man was starstruck for a second. There stood a man that could be 25, but it’d be much more believable if he was eighteen. He had messy brown hair styled with an undercut and beautiful golden skin. Jungwoo was startled at how the sun’s late afternoon light gave a glowing effect to the man standing in front of him, as if he was an astronomical body, made solely to reflect the sunlight. He was wearing brown leather pants along with a dark yellow shirt, unbuttoned on the top. Behind him, there was a cute red beetle that had probably seen better days. There was no possible way that man was his aunt’s master student when he looked like a bad boy coming straight out of some 90s movie.

“Hey, I’m Moon Taeil. Your aunt sent me here to help you out.” He spoke, voice rough and low. Jungwoo was becoming awfully aware he was wearing a Snoopy sweatshirt along with wasted jeans. His blue hair was probably the biggest mess, as he hadn’t properly brushed it since laying down to read his book. And, as the cherry on top of the cake, there was his voice. His squeaky annoyingly thin voice. Jungwoo felt himself growing smaller by the mere presence of so called Relativity-Student-Straight-Out-Of-90s-Movies Moon Taeil.

He would definitely whine about this with Miok later, wasn’t he so sure she would probably tease him with no end. He just wished she would have given him a proper heads up first that… her student was pretty hot. Gorgeous people scared the life out of Jungwoo. He wasn’t even attracted to Taeil (or to most people considered gorgeous, if he was being honest, his tastes never quite made sense), but he felt the horrible pain of impressing them somehow or just trying not to embarrass himself.

Taeil looked at Jungwoo confused, as the younger man had no proper reaction to him. The man then shot a small reassuring smile at Jungwoo, as if sensing his nervousness. Just then he went from 90s bad boy to 90s soft boy and Jungwoo suddenly felt more at ease. It was okay. Taeil was just Miok’s student and he was there to help him with boxes. The blue haired man took a deep breath and smiled shyly at Taeil, inviting him in.

  
  
➳➳➳

“All set?” Taeil inquired, after putting the last box in the trunk of the car. It hadn’t taken more than 30 minutes to put them in there, all it took was organized teamwork and proper communication. Sure, Jungwoo almost fainted when his Snoopy plushie fell from one of the boxes, but Taeil simply caught it before it touched the ground and put it back on the box, not making any comment about it. Jungwoo still hadn’t missed the smirk on his lips however, and felt his cheeks reddening in mortification.

That had been the only stress in the process. Taeil and Jungwoo didn’t talk much, it was sort of awkward from time to time, but they had much to do and barely knew each other so it was expected. The biggest awkward moment came when they were in the car, driving to Miok’s house. If there was one thing Jungwoo couldn’t bare it was silence. Especially with that gorgeous man. Somehow he had struck something in him. Jungwoo would like to think it was his 90s charm, but he knew it was much more about his energy. The physics student had a comfy reassuring vibe around him. Jungwoo could perceive that not only by his aura and sweet smile, but also the way he was kind when picking his Snoopy plushie before it fell on the ground and how he made sure to always ask if Jungwoo was fine.

The beetle was small and Taeil’s body warmth tickled Jungwoo’s skin, as if an invitation for approach. They were listening to a song Jungwoo had put on (Taeil said he didn’t care much about what was playing) and it hadn’t even finished yet, but the blue haired man was eager to start conversation. He looked around, before laying his eyes on the road ahead of them, taking quick glances at the driver’s seat from time to time. “Hm… why did you choose my aunt between all other professors?”

Jungwoo wasn’t sure if his curiosity towards Taeil was that obvious, for the man bit his lip, as if holding a smile. His eyes stayed on the road. It was January, therefore it had snowed the night before, so Taeil was driving the most careful way possible, for which Jungwoo was thankful. “Are you that surprised I chose her?”

“I love her with all my heart, but she’s an outcast. That’s why I love her so much.”

“You consider yourself an outcast? You don’t look like it.” Taeil quickly shot a glance at him as they stopped at the red light. There was no need for him to stop whatsoever, for there wasn’t anyone crossing the road. He was being more careful than he should. Taeil was slowly breaking the 90s bad boy paradigm in Jungwoo’s eyes.

“You still don’t know me.”

Taeil didn’t look offended at Jungwoo’s sharp answer, tilting his head slightly and focusing his eyes back on the road again. The light was green. “Your aunt has a new perspective on physics. She doesn’t hold herself to old concepts, but still tries to show physics link to philosophy, which is very marginalized by academics, but she does it so well, it’s impossible to openly criticize her. She’s always up to new ideas and helps her students the most she can… I guess these are some of the reasons.” Taeil trailed off, focusing his eyes on the road, as they had reached a busier side of Seoul. As the older went on about Miok, Jungwoo noticed he had never heard anyone ever talk about his aunt. He talked about her to his close friends and psychoanalyst, he heard his mother’s constant complaints about her without saying a word, but he had never discussed how much he genuinely appreciated her and have someone reply back with even more wonderful things to add to the list. Miok had been his private shelter for too long and noticing how she had touched other people’s lives, even in the smallest, made his heart ache. Jungwoo didn’t want to make himself sad in that small car, especially since he had been trying to stay at his best mood for he was about to have “the best four months”. Repeating it insistently still didn’t take the anxiety of his chest or the feeling of being sad on a loop, so it wasn’t much a surprise when a small hiccup left his lips, along with tears. Taeil had his eyes on the snowy road, but, hearing a small sniff from his left side, looked over to see Jungwoo’s cheeks wet from tears. He instantly frowned. “Are you okay?”

With the mere question, Jungwoo cried even more. The damned tap was open. “Oh god…” He muttered against his own sweatshirt. He absolutely hated his habit of crying over anything, but what he hated the most was when people asked him whether he was feeling okay when he was on the verge of tears or already crying. For some reason it only made him burst out and cry even more and what was supposed to be a quiet cry turned into the biggest mess. The person who asked wouldn’t know how to deal with the amount of water leaving Jungwoo’s eyes and Jungwoo would only get sadder for putting someone who tried to make him better in such position. To make that specific situation better, he had met Taeil only 45 minutes prior to that tragic scene. Taeil being really handsome and having the softest smile also didn’t help Jungwoo, as he started panicking of how pathetic he would look as a first impression.

To avoid any more embarrassment, he just looked over at the window, hiding his crying face the best he could. He was so upset with himself for being so damn unstable, he barely took notice on the landscape and only noticed Taeil had pulled over when he felt a light touch on his shoulder. Although it wasn’t a direct touch, Jungwoo felt a small electric shock that made him turn to stare at him.

“Hey, it’s okay…” Taeil murmured reassuring.

“I’m crying and we’ve barely met.” Jungwoo said with a strained voice. His throat was closing so fast, he wouldn’t be able to breathe properly if it kept going on that pace. Jungwoo no longer looked at the window, instead staring at his sweater paws. He could feel Taeil’s warm gaze over him.

“What is the problem with crying?”

It wasn’t a question Jungwoo had to give much thought to. No one liked tears. Every time someone would cry, people’s first reaction would be to ask them to stop crying. Most people didn’t understand the need of release that came with crying. They would just want the pain to go away, but not care for the actual process that should happen. Ever since he picked on that, Jungwoo learned that crying was no good. Especially in front of people. Especially in front of people who barely knew your last name. “Everything. It scares people away.” Jungwoo answered in a whiny tone.

“Do I look scared to you?” The older man inquired. Jungwoo looked up at Taeil slowly. Taeil didn’t advert his gaze from him. For a second, the blue haired man wondered if that was a trick question, but Taeil looked serious. He didn’t have any ghost of a smile on his lips and his sole attention was on Jungwoo and his answer.

The younger coughed, cheeks reddening slightly and stuttering his answer out. “No, but-“

Taeil didn’t let him go on. “What’s wrong?”

Jungwoo couldn’t say what made that man suddenly interested in his personal life. Crying was a very personal act. Strangers thought it better to just let it be when someone cried. Jungwoo had noticed that. He had cried in front of strangers. Several times. His unstable mood had gotten Jungwoo to cry while walking on the street, eating out or just taking the subway. He had become a master in hiding his cry in crowded places as he didn’t want any vague compassion (sentences such as “Life is going to get better.”, “Hang on” would only make him want to tear up more). The first few times he tried explaining what exactly was happening in his life (whether it was his mother acting up again, his struggles with his sexuality) he had noticed people didn’t really want to listen. They wanted him to wipe his tears away and assure them he’d be fine. And he did just that, breaking down again the minute he’d scape their gaze.

Taeil, however, looked genuinely interested. There had been a few minutes while the car was stopped on the side of the road and only the sounds of the blue haired man crying could be heard, but the physics student didn’t ask him to stop crying once. None of Taeil’s moves even suggested rushing him to stop, he even looked more comfortable about Jungwoo’s crying than the boy himself. Jungwoo couldn’t quite say if it was an effort on being polite or perhaps a mere social experiment of sorts… It was probably part of Taeil’s gentle nature. It came along with his adorable red beetle and soft smile. The man held his shoulder tighter, making small shivers go through all of Jungwoo’s body and he sighed. “Everything.”

“You can’t answer everything to everything, Jungwoo-ssi.” He replied, almost in an amused older brother’s tone of voice. There was something caring and familiar about his voice. Perhaps Taeil just cared about his life. He wasn’t any unknown face in the middle of a crowd. Miok herself had said he was special. He was having his research with Miok even with how bad her image was at University. He could see what most couldn’t perceive.

Realizing that didn’t keep Jungwoo from chuckling with a flavor of sadness to it. “Guess I can. It’s just my aunt going away. It’s too much.”

“I know you really care about her.” Taeil began to slowly caressing his shoulder. Jungwoo had to hold himself so he wouldn’t physically shiver due to it. So much physical contact from someone he had just met would usually scare people, but the same way Taeil didn’t mind his ugly crying face, he didn’t mind reassuring touches as well. Jungwoo was starting to slowly detach himself from the car door and lean closer to Taeil. His mere presence was somehow warm and enticing, he couldn’t resist it when accompanied by soft touches too.

Jungwoo didn’t think that the other had a grasp of the situation he was in however. He felt awfully patronized by what he had just spoken. Jungwoo’s relationship with his aunt was much more than just caring. She had been his mother, his older sister, his best friend, his confidant for as long as he could remember. “She really cares about me. The only one who does, to be honest… She’s been there no matter what and now that she’s going…” Just the thought of a future not sharing their everyday life, the news from University or just chit chatting over tea was an unbearable future and Jungwoo could feel the tears filling his eyes again. They were so blurry, he could no longer see Taeil or the snowy sidewalk in front of them or anything if he was being honest. The lump on his throat only enlarged, what made it harder for him to express his thoughts. He still tried, squeaky voice cracking: “I want her to fulfill her dreams, but I want her near me as well…”

In the end, that simple sentence left him panting. He could only cry more and more, his sweatshirt paws dripping wet from his tears. A small blue handkerchief was offered to him by Taeil. Jungwoo almost giggled at the 90s bad boy stereotype. Who still walked around with handkerchiefs?

“Are you letting her fulfill her dreams?” Taeil finally asked, after Jungwoo’s breathing had stabilized for that second time on that tiny and the tears coming down his cheeks came in a slow flow.

“Yes, but… I can’t stop crying…” Jungwoo replied weakly. He didn’t mean it just at that moment. He was at one of his worst crying states, only beaten by his constant crises when in middle school. Even if embarrassed for having this crying outburst in the middle of the frozen streets of Seoul in the car of a beautiful stranger, it was better than for Miok to see him in that state. Just a few days before, she would be the one who would save him from any despair. At that moment, however, it was Jungwoo’s task to not make it reach her. Those were going to be the best four months. He couldn’t shed a tear in front of his aunt. At least not a tear related to her leaving.

“Can you control your crying?”

“No, but-“

Taeil wouldn’t hear his explanations for the second time. “Then it’s settled.” Jungwoo sighed in annoyance, but thought better to let it go. He sniffed on the handkerchief and looked up. Taeil still hadn’t taken his eyes from him. Ever since he had started crying, Jungwoo had his undivided attention. It could have been something scary were it anyone else, but Taeil’s reassuring nature made Jungwoo sure it was only him being worried for him. “You should know your aunt is buzzing with happiness with the perspectives of you moving in with her.”

“Is she that happy?” It was so silly, but that simply comment had made Jungwoo’s heart lit up. Just like that a small seed of warmth was planted on the core of his heart, slowly spreading to his body.

Taeil apparently noticed the change of spirit inside Jungwoo’s heart and smiled at him fondly. “She could never stop talking about you, but I guess yesterday she beat her own record.”

The younger wondered for a second how much had aunt Mimi spoken about and if she had overshared anything embarrassing. It made more sense Taeil was so comfortable around him, he had probably heard her blabber all about Jungwoo’s daily life like a proud mom. On the other hand, he knew nothing about Taeil other than he was a physics student with sunkissed skin. He also drove a red beetle and was a very good shoulder to cry on (metaphorically speaking, as Jungwoo hadn’t touched his shoulder yet).

He took a deep breath, keeping the handkerchief and wiping his last tears. His throat was feeling much better. He was still fragilized by so much crying, but a sort of warmth enveloped around him. It was probably due to the car’s coziness and the song playing at the moment, one of Jungwoo’s favorites. “You’re right. I shouldn’t worry. Thanks, Taeil-ssi. I’m sorry about the handkerchief…”

Taeil nodded and finally took his hand from Jungwoo’s shoulder. The blue haired instantly missed the warm touch, even if it was over his sweatshirt, but wasn’t going to make any move to mention it. The older man started the car once again, heading to the snowy road. “I’ve seen you cry, Jungwoo, you can call me hyung.”

  
➳➳➳

Growing used to Miok’s routine was like slowly falling into place for Jungwoo. Sometimes, their daily lives would clash and they would see little of each other in the morning and afternoon, but they always had the night to talk about their busy days and watch movies. Jungwoo had always been a clean freak, while Miok was what he considered a lost cause in the matter. She declared that made them the perfect team as he helped her organizing paperwork for the job or just cataloguing her books to know which ones she would leave behind, which ones she would leave for Jungwoo and which ones she would donate.

Jungwoo would say he was at home in the whole sense of what a home meant. It was the place he would go back to lay down every day, but also a place that allowed him to feel safe when on its borders. Jungwoo no longer walked around his own house scared to stumble into his parents. To be free inside a house was a new feeling for him and he felt like staying in every single room that wasn’t his bedroom just for the sake of it.

That new habit ended up in making Jungwoo very acquainted with stranger-turned-crying -shoulder Moon Taeil. The master’s student was always in their house to discuss his research and help Miok with her own research. They would usually do it in her office, but sometimes they’d do it over coffee in the kitchen or eating biscuits in the living room. Due to that, Jungwoo and Taeil encounters were more than common. The younger got flustered at first, knowing he had shared a very intimate part of himself and not knowing how to properly treat him, but Taeil was the perfect gentleman, as expected, talking to Jungwoo just informally enough to establish a blooming friendship, but not too much to the point it would sound forced. His aunt even had two more students helping in her research, but she didn’t like them as much as she liked Taeil and they would usually help her while at the University.

Jungwoo once questioned why did she like Taeil so much. Miok had given him her casual mysterious smirk. “What is there not to like about him?” and Jungwoo suddenly felt like his aunt knew something had happened between the two and blushed. He didn’t believe Taeil would bluntly tell her about that horrible crisis he had in the car, but Mimi was sly and had her ways. She noticed the panicked look on her nephew’s face and laughed out loud. “I think Taeil is a very smart student, who will probably shine among Physics scholars in a few years. He is also very perceptive of small things and people’s behaviors, something not very common in a field in which scientists are only focused on numbers. I like surrounding myself with smart people.”

Jungwoo had nodded and turned back to his computer, trying to focus on his paper about Brazilian modernist theater he was doing for university. No more of Taeil was spoken, but a lot was spoken to Taeil, as they often had dinner together and Jungwoo heard Miok and Taeil’s constant bickering regard research matters. He would always listen to their heated discussions (more like his aunt’s offended exclamations and Taeil’s neutral tone) while holding back giggles.

“I disagree.” Miok stated one afternoon voices several octaves higher than the usual. The two physicists were standing over the living room table, surrounded by papers, books and two notebooks. Jungwoo looked at them with interest over his book. Miok had crossed arms over her grey sweatshirt and acted as much taller than she actually was. Taeil was not one to stand out when the matter was height, but his pastel striped shirt probably helped give Jungwoo the illusion he looked a few centimeters taller.

“Agree to disagree?” He shrugged, trying to change the subject. Most of their discussions always ended like this: Miok’s voice turning high pitched and reaching notes unknown for mankind and Taeil trying to settle the matter in neutral terms, not only because Miok was older and his superior as Jungwoo had first thought, but also due to his relaxed peaceful nature. Miok wasn’t having any of it that time.

“No way, little man. Zeus can help settle this.”

At the mention of his name, Jungwoo averted his eyes back to his book’s pages. He tried looking focused. To be honest, he wasn’t even sure if they knew Jungwoo was in the same room as them, always very focused on their research and work.

“Nothing against Jungwoo, but he is majoring in drama, not physics.” Taeil pointed out, a small smirk gracing his lips. Jungwoo felt silly for the sting in his stomach with the simple fact Taeil remembered his major. He didn’t even recall telling him about it, but Mimi must have told him, along with endless embarrassing secrets Jungwoo didn’t even want to think about.

“Don’t you think I tried bringing my favorite nephew to like physics? Who do you take me for, Taeil?”

“I take you for an excellent aunt and a mistaken academic.”

Miok gasped, offended. “Oh, but Zeus is going to- Zeus!” She couldn’t even properly finish her sentence, before calling out her nephew in despair. Jungwoo quickly dropped his book on the nearest coffee table and got up from the armchair, going to the living room’s dinner table.

“I’m already here.”

Taeil arched his eyebrows at the sight of the younger, giving Jungwoo a quick glance over. Ever since Jungwoo was notified of how gorgeous Taeil was and how much his presence would actually grace the halls of his home, the blue haired had made sure to always look presentable when walking around the house. That day he was wearing a big grey tee shirt and his nicest sweatpants. Even if he generally liked warmer tones of color in other people, he himself dressed in mostly darker and cooler clothes.

“You were listening to the whole discussion huh?” Taeil questioned, a half smile curling on the corner of his lips.

“It was quite entertaining if I’m being honest.” There was no need to lie to Taeil, he already knew the truth anyways. As Miok had noticed earlier, he had very good senses of perception.

“If you just stand in the crowd watching you’ll never make a difference.” He sharply murmured. His eyes wouldn’t leave Jungwoo’s and the younger man had to refrain himself from averting his own.

“But if I take notes of what I see, they might be useful later.” He shot back, not willing to back down from Taeil’s gaze. They stared at each other, neither of them willing to break the connection. Thankfully neither of the had to, as Miok stepped between them.

“Can you two stop? Zeus get over here and teach Taeil wrong.”

“What was the discussion about?” Jungwoo inquired, as he had not had the pleasure of hearing what they were debating about. He had only heard Miok’s offended gaps and exclamations and wished she would destroy Taeil in any disagreement they could be having. Miok was of a very stubborn nature and usually losing discussions would leave her uffing annoyed the rest of the day. Besides, Jungwoo would usually find himself agreeing with his aunt’s way of thinking. Perhaps it was due to being raised by her, but even though he greatly admired Taeil, the physicist seemed to regard physics as a very number-based science. He mustn’t have been completely unaware of the philosophical challenges towards it and that was probably the reason he chose Miok to guide him, but it didn’t change the fact the professor and her student had completely different minds. That was easy to see even throughout discussions, with Miok usually taking matters by heart and Taeil rationally trying to find a middle ground.

“I thought you were taking notes?” Taeil commented with a know it all smirk on his face. Jungwoo wanted to kiss it straight out of his lips, wasn’t he so keen on taking it out by useful arguments. He had to teach that tech man proper manners.

“Of the interesting parts.”

“Boys!” Miok exclaimed, before the two would get trapped on their bickering once again. There were more important subjects at stake. Her student’s soul and moral ground regarding science, for example. “Taeil thinks Marxist Theory is not to be studied by physicists as it has zero impact in physics whatsoever.”

Taeil lost his annoying smirk and suddenly looked more serious. “I did not phrase it like that-“

Jungwoo had a frown on his forehead. “How can you even start trying to tag what kind philosophy is important to physics or not? How can you even try to put borders in what physics is?”

“We need to put borders in order to study it.” Taeil answered simply. Jungwoo was almost annoyed at how direct and blasé his answers were, as if Taeil had made up his mind and no argument Jungwoo formulated could change that, but the younger had gotten a bit of stubbornness from his aunt.

“You should do that, but not in a way in which this border cannot be crossed. Marxism methodology isn’t even crossing the border. It’s a method that should be used in all sciences as the capitalist view is used in all sciences.” The blue haired retorted, trying to look everywhere but at Taeil. Sometimes he looked over at Miok, who would nod as a form of encouragement.

“I thought we were talking about theory and not methodology.” Taeil pointed out.

Jungwoo was trying his best to sound assertive, but it was difficult with Taeil’s gaze and full attention upon him. It didn’t help the fact Jungwoo usually hated arguing with most people. They would never properly listen to him, sometimes made fun of his point of view and talked over him, what usually lead to a lump growing on his throat and halting his talking completely. It only got worse when Jungwoo would feel powerless or ignore and tears started coming to his eyes before he could stop them. The worst reactions would happen from the other debater. It could be from a patronizing/condescending sentence or a rolling of eyes that showed the person’s complete disregard for Jungwoo’s feelings. Some even suggested he was crying to get a way out of the argument. For those reasons, he would pick and choose who he would have thoughtful debates with as a king would pick brides. The only person he could have a comfortable debate with ended up being none other than Miok. Even if she occasionally mocked his point of view playfully due to her sarcastic nature, she always made sure to listen to his opinion with full attention, she never disregarded him as someone unequal from her and even when they ended up disagreeing completely, they would drink a cup of tea and let it go.

He couldn’t quite tell why he was giving Taeil the chance of quarrel, but it was most likely due to Miok’s card of trust on her student and his reassuring nature. Jungwoo expected not to regret embarking on that quest. He wouldn’t want to cry in front of Taeil once again.

“The theory needs to be studied so the methodology can be reached, as you know as well as me. It should be studied even if you end up disagreeing with it, as it can open your eyes for how you can deal with science. You should never deny knowledge, hyung.” He retorted, careful not to speak more than necessary. Taeil looked like the kind of debater who wouldn’t talk much but caught someone on a loop very easily.

“How could a methodology based on the struggle of the working class do anything for a quantum mechanics student?” The older inquired, tilting his head slightly. It was such a simple question, but Jungwoo felt warmth on his cheeks. Taeil was actively trying to understand his point of view and the younger started to excitedly answer his question.

“The struggle of the German working class was only an example. Dialectics is the methodology, used for the workers to take over the means of production, but for that to happen, they need to use this method in whatever they can reach, and that includes History, Sociology and even Physics. To put it in a practical example, the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics tries solving the matter of paradox of light created by saying that the laws of subatomic particles cannot be comprehended by the human mind at all. Their theory actively states humans can never reach such knowledge because it wouldn’t make sense to our brain, as we are to blame for seeing it as a paradox. But Dialectics makes paradox a vital part of its methodology, only being able to study social and scientific relations through it, as life and science do not follow any law. We should make the laws that apply to it.”

Jungwoo knew little of physics for someone who had one of the biggest geniuses on the area as his closest relative, but he greatly appreciated the theory and morale intrinsic to the science. Matters of realities, the size of space always had him interested and that also included the methodology used behind it. That was the reason Miok knew he’d be the best at that debate. Jungwoo was never uncertain when talking about things he was passionate about and Miok smiled proudly as her nephew debated like a physics scholar.

“Well…” Taeil shrugged and Jungwoo could notice he had already given in to his view on the matter.

“It’s important to have some background on Marxist methodology to at least grasp other ways to look at the same situation.” He then added, a smile playing on his lips. The atmosphere was tense due to the discussion so it was best to play a little. “Even if you dumbly disagree with the method.”

Taeil ignored his teasing, eyes still focused on Jungwoo. “So, you’re a Marxist?”

He didn’t hesitate on answering, finally turning to stare at Taeil with no shame. “Marxist-Leninist. As you so smartly pointed out, Mimi is a great aunt.” He winked at her, who was showing the biggest victory smile.

“You’re impossible, Jungwoo.”

“Got beaten at your own game by a poor playwright.”

“Playwrights are dangerous.” Taeil said, with a smile Jungwoo couldn’t quite describe. He just felt it as suggestive of something and a blush rose to his cheeks.

He didn’t know what to answer to that, but thankfully he didn’t have to, as his aunt interrupted them right on time: “So, can we get back at the texts you have to read for next week, Taeil?”

  
  


➳➳➳

The probability of you stumbling upon someone at the times you least want to find said someone are incredibly high, if you had to ask Jungwoo’s take on it. He barely ever talked to anyone at the University, giving up making friends in his second semester there. He had his usual colleagues who he shared classes and did some casual group projects, but other than that, the only company he had the pleasure was Miok’s on the days she lectured.

He didn’t want to meet her however, too preoccupied with finding a bathroom or any quiet place that he could keep in the tears or just burst them out. Ever since living with Miok he had grown peace in his heart, but the sadness loop didn’t seem to go away and any small occurrence could trigger his tears. His face was probably very pale already, he could feel his desperation rising. The bathroom wasn’t too far away, he could almost make it. He could feel relief hitting his brain, as soon as he bumped on someone on accident.

“Jungwoo, I was looking for you-“

Jungwoo looked at the person, who was wearing a soft yellow sweater and carrying a small brown backpack on his back. Why did he always have to wear warm colors? Was it part of his ‘reflecting the sun’ agenda? Jungwoo couldn’t focus much on that, his brain working at 100 kilometers per hour. He was so close to the bathroom. He could just say he had an emergency and leave him there. Taeil was honestly the last person he wanted to see at that moment, coming right after aunt Mimi. Jungwoo cleaned his throat and was about to utter some lame apology to Taeil, when their eyes met. The physics student looked concerned, he had noticed Jungwoo’s pale face and general awkwardness. Watching him look worried about him was all it took for the blue haired to break down crying.

“Oh gosh, Taeil-hyung.”

He already had a frown on his forehead before, but after the younger started crying Taeil looked honestly preoccupied. “What happened?” Jungwoo could only bit his lip and shake his head furiously. He felt like crying even more for having his second emotional breakdown in front of Taeil after knowing him for only three weeks. Taeil probably sensed Jungwoo couldn’t speak proper sentences at the moment and gently embraced him. The blue haired leaned over his shoulder and started crying on his yellow sweater. Wetting people’s clothes with tears had become a part time job already. Taeil caressed his hair and spoke softly into his ear: “Hey, baby, it’s okay. It’s fine. Don’t you worry.”

They stood like this for a couple minutes, Jungwoo getting most of his tears out of his system. Taeil didn’t hurry him. He just calmly patted his head, sometimes whispering words of encouragement for him. The words weren’t just generic encouragements, like Jungwoo was used to hearing from strangers. They were words of reassurance, to get Jungwoo to be stable. Slowly the cold in his stomach had become warmth. He stepped away from Taeil’s touch, slightly embarrassed of what he had just done.

“S-sorry for just… crashing on you like this…” He murmured, looking down at his feet. Any place where he could avoid Taeil’s eyes was a good place to look at that moment.

Taeil ignored his apology. “It’s fine, let’s sit down somewhere.” He grabbed Jungwoo by the hand before the younger could say anything. He was too starstruck by Taeil’s warm touch to say anything and just dumbly followed around the University halls, till they come around a garden, mostly unused, as college students react badly to sunlight. They sat by a hidden bench and Jungwoo stared at his hands awkwardly, not willing to start a conversation. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“It’s so silly.” He whined, feeling himself sinking further on the bench. Everything was so serious on the heat of the moment. Jungwoo always heard he took things too close to his heart. When he stopped to put it all in perspective, everything changed and he could never understand his behavior. He hated his intense self with a passion. It was better to dismiss it.

Taeil didn’t fall for that game and casually put Jungwoo’s bangs behind his ear so he could see the younger’s face better. “Nothing is silly if it made you cry.”

Jungwoo blushed. Did Taeil know he was a sucker for skinship? Did he have any idea that any touch caused chills on his skin? Butterflies in his stomach even? Did he know that when he touched Jungwoo’s hair, Jungwoo wanted nothing more than to lay down on his lap and have him play with it every day? He must have known, his mere presence made Jungwoo so weak. He couldn’t even resist keeping secrets from him.

“I was having a discussion with a friend of a friend and he’s just so… mean and he never listens to me and can never agree to disagree, I always cry when I debate him, I feel very powerless.”

“That’s understandable… What was the discussion about?”

The question Jungwoo feared the most to listen. He could feel himself shrinking.

“You are going to laugh…”

“No, no, I promise, just tell me.”

The blue haired closed his eyes, as to avoid watching Taeil’s reaction. “Britney Spears.”

The other couldn’t contain a chuckle, in clear disbelief. “W-what?”

“See? I knew you’d laugh!” Jungwoo exclaimed, already feeling defensive.

“I was just surprised about you being a Britney fan, that’s all…”

Jungwoo looked up at Taeil to shake his head emphatically. “I’m not! I greatly appreciate her for being the 2000 pop queen in western society, but I’m not a fan. We just entered a discussion about her songs and he said her last good song was ‘Toxic’, what is so dumb in so many ways, because ‘Toxic’ isn’t even that good. So, I retorted saying that it was ‘Piece of Me’ and that, in fact, her whole ‘Blackout’ era was amazing. She dyed her hair black and stopped being the good girl, you know?” Sometimes, when he got too excited, he’d speak on a very fast flow and needed to stop just to remind himself how to properly breathe. “And then he said her hair doesn’t make the music better and I never said that, but I do think that when talking about pop music, we should count in the creation of the concept, and he said I couldn’t just judge music based on something that isn’t music. I tried saying agree to disagree, but he just wouldn’t listen and I started getting worked up and I just… Had to leave it before I started crying.”

He ended the story looking down already. Jungwoo was such an embarrassment. He had just confessed to a Physics quantum mechanics master student, 90s styled and embodiment of the sun’s reflection on earth that he had cried over a Britney Spears debate. He had always been sensible and pathetic, but this time he had beaten his own record. Thankfully, Taeil was too kind to laugh at him when he was at his lowest.

“Hey, it’s okay…” He touched Jungwoo’s shoulder and Jungwoo shivered. Taeil instantly removed his hands. Jungwoo wished he hadn’t.

“It’s silly.” Jungwoo repeated. Maybe next time he would listen to his own voice saying that instead of ending up in tears on a pretty boy’s shoulder.

“It’s not. I think you’re more upset by him not listening to you than what should be judged in pop music.” Taeil said and Jungwoo looked up and he finally saw Taeil.

The fact he wasn’t disregarding Jungwoo’s feeling even with Jungwoo doing that himself… that was new. Very few people gave attention to others even when they begged for it. Even fewer people paid notice to things hidden and disregarded by the person suffering them. There was something about Taeil that was sensible, perceiving, different than anyone else. Jungwoo wondered if Taeil had any idea how he was making Jungwoo feel at that moment. He felt cared for, enveloped in the warm colors that were Taeil, his clothes’ palette and aura. He also felt drawn in to that person. He wanted to take care of him too.

At the same time, Jungwoo was afraid. Maybe he was imagining all that. He had the horrible habit of overreacting (the Britney Spears incident was just one in a list of many more) and imagining things that weren’t there. Taeil was most likely being his gentle self, as he was with most people. He just noticed Jungwoo needed a bit more of care. Like an adult seeing an outcast child. Taeil had sort of adopted him, like an older brother. It made no sense whatsoever to fall for your older brother. It was better to stay away from complicated feelings.

“Perhaps…” He answered evasively and not willing to say Taeil was right.

The older didn’t mind. He changed the subject, a smile appearing on his lips. “If it makes you feel better, I can’t name a single Britney Spears song.”

“It just means you’re an old grandpa who listens to ballads.” Jungwoo teased back, sticking his tongue out. On point little brother behavior.

“I also listen to hip hop.” Taeil added, but Jungwoo only rolled his eyes.

“Way to go, grandpa.” The older chuckled, like an adult being amused by a child. Jungwoo was curious about something he didn’t have the chance to question before. “Why did you want to meet me?”

“Next week your aunt is throwing a gathering to announce she is taking the job.” Taeil informed him. It weirded Jungwoo out someone was telling him what aunt Mimi was planning but with Taeil he was usually getting used to it. After all, there were projects and decisions it was much better for her to take with Taeil by her side, were there for academic reasons or merely emotional reasons, as to not put Jungwoo too much on the spot about the whole moving issue. Considering it was a Monday, Taeil had probably just left Miok’s office to give Jungwoo the news. Miok could have just texted, but perhaps Taeil wanted to give him the news himself. Jungwoo was probably reading more into it than he should. His aunt was of a carefree nature of forgetting phones and their charger at home. Her phone was probably without battery and Taeil offered himself to break the news to Jungwoo, simple as that.

“Oh, so that means tons of old people at my house?” Jungwoo arched his eyebrows, not even a bit thrilled for such an event. It just meant all those horrible people who badmouthed his aunt behind her back would enjoy the comfort of her house, Jungwoo’s home, drink her wine, taste her cheese and wish her congratulations when she announced she would move on to continue her career in Europe. Jungwoo couldn’t even guess if they’d be happy for getting rid of the wacko who taught the Philosophy of Physics or would die of envy for her getting a job on a prestigious Spanish University. Jungwoo hoped they would get green with envy and that the wine would taste sour. None of them deserved the floor Miok stepped on.

It was already a pain having to see these disgusting men around his university. He was supposed to greet them kindly and show them his home as Miok laughed in her high pitch fake tone and acted as if everything was alright. Jungwoo wanted to go to her office at that moment and question if that was really necessary, but he was blocked from any moving decision. It was his job to only enjoy the 3 months he still had with her and make the best of it.

“Tons of old people and me.” Taeil informed, making Jungwoo’s eyes suddenly brightened. Perhaps it wouldn’t be that bad if Taeil was there after all. He would have someone to gush on about those horrible professors and gossip on who was having affairs with students and who was accused of plagiarism lately. Perhaps he’d even want the wine to taste sweeter with him there.

“Sounds perfect.”

  
➳➳➳

His first encounter with marijuana had been when he was nineteen. Fairly late, as Jungwoo’s weed pals usually had smoked since their mid teens and he was about to get into his twenties, but the lack of friends and general fright of breaking the law didn’t help a lot. It finally happened when he befriended a very outspoken Korean-American on a History of the Theater class. They had to do a project on Greek Theater and it was perfect, as Jungwoo was majoring in Theater and the American (also known as Johnny) was majoring in History. Besides the wonderful paper they handed their professor, Jungwoo slowly got more familiarized with weed, as Johnny was very outspoken about smoking and even offered Jungwoo some. He always looked at it with desire, but restrained himself from tasting it. His father’s scolding couldn’t get out of his head and being told so many times he was emotionally fragile, Jungwoo wondered if he would get addicted easily.

The curiosity, however, took the best of him. He ended up blurting out to Johnny how afraid he was of smoking for the first time. Johnny shrugged and simply told the younger to relax, that they would smoke together and it’d be fine. Jungwoo nodded, trying to keep his breathing at a normal pace. Johnny was a good teacher regarding on how to drag the smoke and a very patient one at that. He only openly laughed at Jungwoo once, when he couldn’t lit up the joint. That first night, Jungwoo decided not to smoke so much. Johnny had been doing that for years. He only wanted a taste. He felt absolutely nothing different.

After that, Johnny was keen on taking some weed effect out of Woo, whether would it be good or bad. “This is literally something that messes with your hormones. How can someone as intense as you have 0 mood changes when you smoke?” For the sake of the older’s sanity, after Jungwoo’s third smoke, it finally hit him. A wave of relaxation beyond understanding rocked his brain. Jungwoo could finally feel his anxiety just… totally going away. Not only he felt lighter inside, but his touching sensibility had risen up and he couldn’t stop himself from playing with Johnny’s hair playfully. His friend didn’t even need to ask if Jungwoo was feeling any different, anyone could clearly see from his easygoing smile and red eyes.

Ever since that day, Jungwoo had started to occasionally smoke with Johnny at his house. He would never allow himself to buy it, too scared to walk with weed and being stopped by the police or buying so much he’d eventually get addicted. He’d usually meet up with Johnny once a week, they’d watch a movie together or just blabber on about each other’s majors. Johnny liked to rant about his love life. Apparently, he “was a clingy gay in a world of whore gays.” Jungwoo would listen and laugh (Johnny would get especially funny ranting about how horrible his life was) and Jungwoo would just talk about how living with his family sucked, that he wished to move out and get a cat. Their appointments were usually made at the last minute. Jungwoo had given up any planning when the matter was Johnny Seo, but it was fine, as sometimes he’d also text him a day before just to get a smoke. Usually he’d wait for Johnny to text him first, too afraid to look like a weed-digger of sorts, but he resorted to texting him first when it was one of those days he desperately needed a joint or else he’d have a panic attack at the smallest misfortune.

That day was one of those days. He had, ever since he began smoking weed, started mastering the ability of not looking high, that was why he looked pretty confident when getting inside his packed house. There laid the entire Physics & Mathematics department, talking loudly, drinking and eating of Miok’s foods and drinks, sitting on the house’s couch as if they owned it. They probably thought they did. Jungwoo wanted all those awful old men to leave his house immediately, but he soon saw the only other familiar young face in that party and followed him.

Taeil was wearing another sweater. This time, it was grey, along with blue jeans. He probably didn’t want to catch anyone’s attention with those looks, those shades certainly didn’t properly fit his sunkissed skin, but Jungwoo couldn’t stop thinking how that pale blue color of his sweater matched his own hair the way his dark clothes matched Taeil’s dark hair. They were matching. It was a very childish thought, but he was high, so he dumbly smiled at it.

The older was looking for something around the kitchen and Jungwoo wanted to approach him and surprise him. Perhaps even snuggle or tickle him. Taeil’s sweater looked extra fluffy so Jungwoo could perhaps touch it. He was feeling somehow bold. He didn’t have the chance unfortunately, since Taeil turned around, scrunching his nose and looking very puzzled by something.

The minute Jungwoo’s eyes met Taeil’s he lost track of thought. His beauty always had some sort of effect on him. At that moment, even with a clear frown on his forehead and clothes that didn’t exactly brought up the best on him, Taeil looked the cutest. He was mere centimeters away from Jungwoo’s chest and looked so small looking from that angle. “Hello.” Jungwoo said, trying to not sound too out of breath.

Taeil’s eyes shone when recognizing Jungwoo and a smile flew by rapidly on his lips as he greeted his friend, but he still looked confused. “Hello, Woo. This smell…”

“What smell?” Jungwoo knew exactly what smell he was talking about. He chose to stay relaxed. Many people could know a smell was different, but if they didn’t know how to name it, it didn’t matter much. Mimi would often say Jungwoo smelled like he had just gardened and Jungwoo would create a dumb excuse, saying he had been laying in the campus grass reading. Taeil, on the other hand, looked like a cat trapping a mouse. He started biting his lip, trying to recall where he had smelt that before. Then his eyes focused on Jungwoo again and he looked very disappointed.

“I sure hope no one here knows the smell of weed. But please, go shower.”

Jungwoo gasped at such tone, instantly backing away. “You’re not my dad.”

Something about Taeil’s gaze, his authoritarian tone, his whole attitude towards him smoking weed before that dinner party, made Jungwoo sick. He had never felt patronized when Taeil caressed his head or asked him about his feelings, but at that moment, leaning against the kitchen counter and under Taeil’s analyzing gaze, he felt like a disobedient 8 year old child in front of his parents. He had been right from the start, Taeil’s care was never romantically attached, but he rather viewed Jungwoo as a younger brother. At that moment he was being a very disobedient little brother.

“I’m just trying to look out for you…” Taeil murmured, voice softening. Jungwoo couldn’t look at him anymore. He tried looking at the floor, focus on how clean it was. Their house was never dirty, but it was never this clean. Miok had hired assistance for that and Taeil had helped organize their bedrooms. It was fun spending time like that, laughing, listening to music while getting their house tidied up together. It wouldn’t be their house in three months or so… They wouldn’t be together anymore… Jungwoo wondered if he would mind Taeil’s stern gaze so much if he knew that in just a few more months he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. He wouldn’t have to deal with Taeil at all. Why did he even bother if he smelled like weed or not then? Why did he care at all?

The silence that followed was one of the worst silences Jungwoo had ever faced. Not only due to his open hatred towards silences, but because due to it he could hear his aunt’s fake laugh from the living room, as well as professors’ voices enjoying an ignorant conversation about who was published in which research magazine… Taeil still looked at the younger, waiting for an answer Jungwoo couldn’t give. The blue haired could feel Taeil’s presence near him and the weight coming from his gaze, however his throat only closed further and he knew what might happen if he tried saying anything. He couldn’t let that burst out. Not there. Not at his aunt’s reception.

For some reason, he felt the older knew. He knew what would happen if Jungwoo tried saying anything, but he still pressured on. It wasn’t something worded between the two, but it was there.

Jungwoo couldn’t hold it in any longer. He looked up to find Taeil’s eyes still on him, a stern look long gone. He looked worried. Why did he worry about a boy he’d no longer see in three months made no sense for Jungwoo, but he did and the younger’s heart ached thinking someone cared for him. “Fine…” He blurted out, but the minute he spoke with his voice raspy and cracking, tears started rolling down his reddening cheeks.

The older’s response was instantaneous. He embraced Jungwoo in his arms and brushed the river of tears that had quickly formed under Jungwoo’s eyes. “Oh, baby… Let’s go to your bedroom.” He took him by the hand and, avoiding the living room, they went to the hall towards Jungwoo’s bedroom. They sat down on the bed, but he still wouldn’t let go of Jungwoo’s hands. “What is it?”

Taeil’s hands were warm, but also small and delicate. Jungwoo had a very delicate frame, but he felt his hands were overly big. Seeing such a petit hand caressing his and making him feel safe slowly calmed Jungwoo down. He also liked the difference of skin tone. Taeil was the embodiment of sun reflected astro, while Jungwoo often felt like the dark side of the moon, never touched by sunlight. He wanted to snuggle and place his head at Taeil’s shoulders, feel his warmth and comfy sweater, but he held himself. His breathing was slowly stabilized, Taeil was waiting for an answer and he could properly give him one.

“I don’t know. This meeting just officializes everything. I am living here but sometimes I just want to get the farthest away I can from Mimi. There’s also you constantly taking care of me for whatever reason. It’s just too much.”

Taeil heard him patiently, but Jungwoo started panting and it was better to make him stop talking than have him without air. “Everything will be okay…” He assured the younger, slowly caressing his hand and letting him cry on his shoulder.

“Why do you do this?” Jungwoo finally questioned. Taeil was becoming a bigger puzzle than he had ever expected. He never answered his questions directly, but was always there when needed. Most of the times Jungwoo let it slide due to him doing Jungwoo a favor and standing by his side when having one of his crying crises, but at that time, not knowing why Taeil was doing any of that made Jungwoo more anxious.

Taeil frowned. He looked genuinely confused. “This what?”

Jungwoo cleaned his nose and some tears. He had stopped crying for the most of it and occasionally a small tear traveled down his chin. “Take care of me when I’m crying. You could just leave me alone.”

When listening to the last sentence, Taeil instantly backed away from Jungwoo. His touch was missed. “Do you want that?” Even leaving him alone after that would be a sign of taking care. Taeil would do anything for Jungwoo to just feel better. Jungwoo couldn’t understand why.

Jungwoo held him by the wrist before he had the chance of leaving his bed. He wanted Taeil close to him. Not only because his presence calmed him, but Taeil listened to his thoughts and he had to answer his questions. “No… but usually only Mimi takes care of me…”

“Why do you think she does that?”

“I don’t know… she’s my aunt…” Jungwoo looked down. He had never questioned why Miok was there for him. She was a constant in his life. It would be like questioning why was he born in Korea or why fish staid in the water. It was something natural, never quite thought into. Their relationship had never been in a place in which it had to be questioned. It wasn’t perfect, even if Jungwoo felt like polishing it as perfection after knowing his aunt was going away. Many times before Jungwoo felt like Miok acted like she knew what was best for him and disregarded his opinion. He also felt like she protected him too much, just like his mother said. Those thoughts, however, were of rare occurrence and most of the times, when they were annoyed at each other, they talked it through. He had never questioned why Miok took care of him, he was raised like that.

“Did your parents take care of you when you cried?” Taeil inquired further.

Jungwoo averted his eyes, shaking his head. “When I was a child, but not much after…”

“Then it’s more than being your aunt probably.” He said, a small smile on his lips. Jungwoo nodded. Perhaps he should ask her…

“It seems like I always cry when we see each other.” He murmured sarcastically, chuckling at his own pathetic state.

Taeil never fell for Jungwoo’s self degrading jokes and he wouldn’t that time. He simply brushed Jungwoo’s falling bangs from his face. “That’s a lie. You’ve cried three times from what I can recall and we’ve seen each other practically everyday this month. Those moments must have stuck in your head because they are…”

He seemed to be at a loss of words for a moment and Jungwoo quickly took his chance.

“Intimate?”

“Personal.” Taeil kindly corrected him. Personal and intimate could sound like synonyms, but what was implied was far bigger than that.

That was when he noticed Taeil had done it again. He had successfully averted his questions into another subject and Jungwoo had fallen for it like before. This time, however, he was too interested in the answer to let it go.

“Why do you do take care of me in these moments?” He pressured, not afraid to look at Taeil in the eye. He was still high and bold. Sure, it made him more melancholic and his sense of touch was at an all time high, but it also made him brave enough to stare at Taeil for an answer and not blush at the sight of his eyes.

Differently from most times, it was Taeil who averted his gaze and chuckled shyly. “It’s not taking care if it’s a selfish act.”

“You don’t make sense.” Jungwoo shot back, not wanting to fall for one of his riddles again.

“That was never my purpose.” He looked up and they stared at each other. Although it must have been only mere seconds, Jungwoo could have sworn it felt like hours. He couldn’t tell if Taeil would approach him any further or say something else, Jungwoo’s breathing was at a halt, patiently waiting for whatever Taeil would do. He was trapped in his hands, even if he tried his best not to be, with inquiring questions and standing in a careful posture.

As if to wake them up from their hypnosis, a sudden burst of loud laughter was heard from the living room. They were on their own world for those few minutes. It wasn’t perfect and especially not sound proof, but had given Jungwoo the strength to what was waiting for him outside.

“We should get back.” Jungwoo announced, breaking the silence between the two. Even knowing he had to come back to the living room, he still expected Taeil to hold his hand, ask him to stay or show any sort of sadness over his face. Instead, the older just nodded, always understanding. “Mimi must miss me. Do I still smell of weed?”

He got closer to Taeil and the older slowly leaned in to smell his neck. Jungwoo could feel Taeil’s warm breath over his skin, his hands holding his arm tight for support and didn’t take his eyes from him for a second, feeling chills through all his body as Taeil smelled him. It might have been Jungwoo’s own imagination, but perhaps that moment lasted longer than it should have. It still wasn’t long enough for him, as he missed Taeil’s touch the minute it went away.

“Well, probably should eat something and spray some perfume.”

Jungwoo put on the best smile he could as he got up. He had to greet his guests and congratulate his aunt on her coming journey. He smiled one last time at Taeil before going into the lions’ den that had become his house. He knew he would be okay though. Taeil might not always be on sight, but Jungwoo knew the dark-haired man was there, wearing the fluffiest most boring sweater there could be, watching over him.

**Author's Note:**

> i write nct social media aus and taeil centric fics 
> 
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> 
>   
> xx  
> sol


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